Let’s Talk About Boundaries
What are they and how do I use them?
We hear the term ‘boundaries’ a lot but do we really understand what they means and how to use them? First and foremost, boundaries are for you and your comfort. What are you willing/able/comfortable to do/accept with/for others? It’s may sound like a counselor cliche but it’s true: We teach people how we want to be treated. We can’t assume/expect people know what we’re thinking/feeling/wanting. We have to tell them. That’s where boundaries come in. Boundaries are a way that shows people how we want to be treated.
Let’s break it down a little more. There are different types of boundary violations:
Physical: this is your personal space. Someone standing too close, touching you, etc.
Sexual: this is about comfort and consent between adults.
Emotional: this can go two ways: what you’re willing to share and how much you’re willing to listen/take on with another person.
Time: how much of your time you’re willing/able to give for someone else, whether it’s doing stuff for them or even doing stuff with them.
Things: this is the ‘stuff’ you’re willing to share whether it’s letting someone borrow your car, stay at your place, etc.
Verbal: the way someone talks to you. Maybe they talk down to you or are verbally abusive. Maybe they talk over you like you’re not even there.
Actually setting boundaries requires taking specific steps.
Be clear in your own mind why you need to set a boundary. Do you feel taken advantage of? Abused? Stressed? Triggered?
Decide what the boundary is. Say ‘no’ when you don’t want to do something. Set limits to what you’re willing to do/accept. Create distance with toxic people like not answering their call or replying to texts.
Determine consequences for boundary violations. You have to decide what that is depending on the frequency and severity of violation.
Calmly and clearly communicate what the boundary is. Use ‘I’ statements to explain what the boundary is and why it’s important to you. Example: I have a lot going on right now and can’t help. Or: I’m not comfortable with this. No need to justify or get into discussions or negotiations.
Enforce the boundary. Boundaries are meaningless without consequences.
Remember: People who push back when you set boundaries are usually the ones who took advantage of you when you didn’t have any.